I don't think anyone with kids will be surprised at this. I have to share a link (click here to read the story that inspired this post) that has changed my heart. I have read about a 'change of heart' in the scriptures before but I never knew what it was. I thought it was a way to act or a way to behave and that if you did it all long enough God would change you into that person that you had been pretending to be. I know now that it's a gift. It's something involuntary that makes you see, feel & experience everything differently. I think I have been waiting for an experience like this my whole life--I've been waiting to feel something so strongly that I am a different person just for having felt it.
When both Piper and Julia were born I vividly remember a feeling of complete euphoria, I was so overwhelmed with love and responsibility and gratitude for them. I tried several times to write them letters as a babies that they could read when they were older. I tried to capture how much I love them and how intensely they changed me--I tried but it's impossible, there aren't words.
When we were at Chloe's birth, the joy and bittersweet emotions ran high. There is such a presence in the room when a child is born. When that child is a literal gift to you from God and earthly birth parents, the experience is unbelievable-the joy is palpable; the pain of the birth parents is tangible. Again, I have tried several times to write something for Chloe that tells her a tenth of the privilege I feel to be her mom, that explains how much she was loved by her birth family and eagerly awaited by us. I just don't have the emotional maturity or the writing skills to get it right.
When Hazel was born it was such a great day. After all those years of wanting to be pregnant, then all the months of worrying about her condition it was wonderful to finally be at that day and meet my little miracle. I was terrified of what might happen but knew that I was in love with her, I also knew that my heart would go head over heels the minute I looked into those little eyes and our souls said 'hello!' for the first time. After all the worry and fear and waiting I needed that so much. I needed to know she was mine and that I was meant to be her mom. The most surprising part was when I finally got to hold her at 2 weeks old, I thought I would be an emotional mess. But I wasn't, it was the best day, it was the purest joy I have ever felt. It was like I'd finally found my missing piece.
Well for all my attempts at letter writing, I've never gotten it quite right but this lady has and although our stories have different endings, I share many of her sentiments about the pregnancy and birth and mothering. I wish I were as far down the path of faith as she is but she inspires me and that is a good thing.
Happy reading. Think of my girls and of course all of your own sweet daughters.
9 comments:
I think you express your love very very well!
Where is the link or did I miss it?
Click on 'this lady' in the last paragraph for the link. Get you tissues ready.
Amazing! You, the link, all of our daughters, the Gospel, and a loving Heavenly Father. Thanks for sharing!
Oh wow, yes, a box of tissues please! I got chills just reading what you wrote, you're amazing!
Private reply coming. This is amazing and brought so much back. I have cried several times since coming home..this post, one on Deanna's blog, learning of a sweet sister getting dumped for another woman after decades of marriage and now in the process of a divorce and Melanie Davis, our neighbor, has advanced stage ovarian cancer. When these times come having oil in our lamps really helps. I need to write my own version of one of these letters to my daughter, Jennifer Maureen, and tell you how proud I am of all you do and all you have accomplished and contributed to countless lives. Watch for your birthday slide show on Saturday.
This was a heart-wrencher to read. And then to realize that this all JUST happened.... wow! Can someone please send the missionaries their way?????
I love you Jen. You have expressed in these very heart felt words the feelings so many of us have...thank you for shearing this.
That sure made me cry! Thanks for sharing. I don't think I could quite express this as well as she did, either. So beautiful!
Don't you know that you have inspired all of us the way that mother inspires? You are a woman of strength and faith and endurance. You are nothing short of amazing. Thanks Jen for sharing that inspiration through your life's trials and passing along others' faith in God. May we all embrace our lives the way you have.
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