I've been trying to think of a word to describe how I'm feeling about Hazel and I think this sums it up nicely: fragile.
For example, the other day I pulled a crazy bad parking job over at the Dollar Tree. A feisty-grandma-type decided to call me on it in spite of the fact that there were about 65 other available spots to park in. I am notorious for bad parking and normally I'd say "Ooopsie-Poodle! Sorry!" and move the car. But I was feeling 'fragile' and I took this womans head clean off. I mean it, I really laid into her. There is no question in my mind that this woman is someone's Grandmother and I am yelling like an insane person at her in the Dollar Tree parking lot about my sick baby and how she'd better leave me alone.
It gets better: I jump in my car, still cussing to myself and straighten out the car. I get out and as I get to the door of the store I see that this woman is waiting for me. She starts to talk and before I realize that she is trying to apologize--I'm already yelling at her to get away from me and how dare she speak to me. Well, I immediately burst into tears and proceed to bawl like a baby for the next 3 hours. Needless to say I didn't get anything I went to the store for that day.
Oh! How I wish that were the end of the bad behavior but I have another story....
I have a cell phone. I'm terrible about taking it with me, charging it and answering it. However, when we're in the hospital with Hazel I keep it charged and glued to my body 24/7 because you never know when someone will call with news, test results, questions or whatever.
About 3 months ago I started getting calls once a week or so from a little girl that is obviously trying to call someone else and is miss dialing and getting me. We are so familiar with each other that our conversations now go like this:
Me: Hello?
Her: Who is this?
Me: This is Miss Jen
Her: Ooops! Sorry...(click)
So the other day Little Miss Dialer calls me and I am feeling a little 'fragile'. Our conversation goes like this:
Me: Helloooo?
Her: Hi, who is this?
Me: This is Miss Jen and you need to stop calling me, ok?
Her: OK....(click)
So about 30 minutes later I get a voice message from this child's mother. She explains who she is and then gives me a big lecture about how if I have a problem with her kid I should call her and I shouldn't have yelled at her child etc, etc.. (Funny thing is I totally agree and have been known to let people have it when they get stern with my kids.) Anywhoooo, I called this lady back and gave her the 'I-have-14-calls-from-your-number-on-my-cell-phone-and-I'm-in-the-hospital
-waiting-for-calls-from-doctors' lecture right back to her on her machine. I swear, I did not yell. Not at the kid or in the message. I promise. But I felt like a gigantic b*tch. I cried all the way home from the hospital and had to go straight to bed the minute I got home.
Why am I doing this??? I'll tell you: I have these fragile moments when I can't stand the fact that other people are having a normal day and get to worry about things like parking spots and their kids inability to dial a phone. It's like the straw that broke the camel's back. How can they care about these things when my world is falling apart???
So there is a point to this post besides me and my bad, bad behavior. The point is that I am supposed to be learning things thru this experience and so far I'm just acting like a brat with a free pass to treat people badly. I'm turning into the mean lady that yells at grandmothers and scares little kids on the phone...ummm.....not cool. I'm learning that the rules still apply even if I'm having a crisis. Having patience means still showing courtesy when my fuse is less than a millimeter long and yes, when things are bad, even super bad. I don't want to teach Hazel to use her problems as an excuse to misbehave or live a bitter life. So in light of this lesson, I'm sending out an apology to Mrs. Dollar Tree Parking Lot and Little Miss Dial's Mom. I wish I could apologize in person but that's the price you pay for mistreating a stranger. No matter how fragile you are, you never have the opportunity to apologize.
8 comments:
This gives us a little insight into the behavior of perfect strangers/or people we do know for that matter... that act badly towards us for no reason we can comprehend. It is a lesson in just trying not to judge someone. We don't know how fragile others are~I learned this lesson as a RS President, over and over. Don't be too hard on yourself, Jen! Although none of us is entitled to be mean, everyone is entitled to an off day or moment once in awhile.
I totally understand where you are coming from! I remember when Sarah was in the NICU and I wasn't feeling well to top it off, some sales guy came to my door and rang and rang, the dog was going nuts, I was trying to sleep and I was now very irritated. I let him have it, and then felt pretty bad about it a while later.
I like what your Mom says about how it does teach us that when someone is mean there might be another reason. And fragile is a great word.
Thinking of you and hoping it gets better.
Another way to look at it, you were the lesson for them to learn about "their" bad behavior. Who gives them the right to jump on others---it is true---we all need to be a little less judgemental---we don't know what others are going through. It was probably high time they learn to be a little nicer----think how many people you may have saved from the "bitchy" grandma! I mean, really, get a life if you can complain about how others park; especially with lots of empty spaces. She will think twice before she opens that big mouth again! Thanks Jen for your public service. I am just sad that you were sad for hours afterward!
Hey friend....breathe. I know life is crazy, stressful, emotional, scary. etc. Give yourself a break. You are doing the best you can and that is good enough. You know the fact that you are by your baby's side speaks to the type of Mommy you are...It is such a surreal feeling to realize that as your life is falling apart and or standing still/moving in slow motion...life continues on in the outside world. Pat yourself on the back for the good you are doing and let you slip ups go.
I love you Bean...you have taught us all a good lesson.
Is it "ok" if I call you "Bean" in a post? If not I will stop, ok. So pleeeease don't get mad at me... ok, ok I won't do it again and I know you never really get mad.
So I better go now...is that ok. Just don't start yelling...no,no I did not mean yell I meant...what there goes the phone. Hey it's some little girl looking for a Miss Jen. I'll tell her you're...
I love you even more! Keep learning
Love, Dad
Oh, Jen - I'm so glad that you realize your fragility. I know it sounds cliche, but I think I do know how you feel. After we received Bill's diagnosis, we had to walk through Kaiser's halls to go home. There were what appeared like a zillion people (patients and staff) scurrying to get to their appointments, offices, and such. It was all so surreal and I couldn't believe that the world wasn't stopping so that we could catch our breath. It was all I could do to hold myself together and not shout, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU? WHY ARE YOU IN SUCH A HURRY? CAN'T YOU SEE THAT OUR LIVES HAVE JUST BEEN TURNED UPSIDE DOWN?" Not being able to control the outcome of Hazel's situation is is so hard to deal with. I'm glad that you can cry. Since you are so aware, I know you'll work on not being a b*tch. I love you and please know that you are constantly in my prayers. Barbara
Oh Miss J,
regardless of how you feel about yourself, we love you anyway- warts (miniscule really) and all. And, I say you do get a free pass- yur repentent spirit just guaranteed it. Anyway, haven't been very good at reaching u, but yu're in my thoughts every day. I mean it. All my love and good wishes to u.
-T
This post just makes you more awesome than you already were...to be able to admit 'bad behavior' when you are in crisis mode!!! I can name several times when I have had bad behavior and I don't even have the excuse of a sick child. Stress is high for you, so take a deep breath and be glad that this life is for the imperfect to progress. Love ya! Lisa
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